LesaMelchor.com

On my journey to freedom there have been many twists and turns that have careened me through deep valleys of hopelessness and have also propelled me up to heights I didn’t know were possible.  This year has been filled with many unexpected highsas God has given me the long-awaited assignment to tell my story.  Lately, I have been in what seems like the mental fight of my life.  Those old tapes from dissenting voices of the past have reared its ugly head and have tried to take a swipe at me.  Those claws sting.

In about five weeks I will be returning to the city where I was physically born and emotionally died.  I will have to look into the faces of those who rejected me, many years ago, when I stepped out and spoke about being molested by my father.  People aren’t always ready to come from underneath the shelter that denial provides.  Sometimes they never emerge at all.  Its been 11 years since I’ve visited home and I won’t lie when I confess that my emotions have been a bit raw and out of sorts. I want to walk through this test and come through with victory.  Sometimes its a fight. 

Tonight, while having a hard conversation with my son, who is going to college in that very painful town, (I have to go there to move him into his new college apartment) he realized I had a mood and inquired about it.  I do what I always do when my children want an answer; I tell them the truth.  I expressed to him how painful it was for me to deal with the negative and condemning comments my father makes towards me when we do speak (which is only a couple of times a year).  One such conversation happened two days ago.  It left me angry at him.  It left me more angry with myself for allowing it to get to me.  God has done so much healing in my life, yet, occasionally this wound still gets poked.  And, yes, I react contrary to the truth I have come to live by.  I cry and go down that pitiful road of self-abasement.  I know better than this, but sometimes I fail.

My son grew silent on the phone and I could hear sniffles in the background.  Although he is a jovial, happy go-lucky type of guy, he is also sensitive to what concerns others.  When he started to speak I could tell he was crying. “Mom, I feel that God wants me to share something with you and I must sing it.”

“My little daughter, touched so inappropriately, men tried to buy you with diamonds and pearls, but what about me? I own the world! Come sit close to me and hear what I think of you. I find you precious and delightful and I gave the best of me so that you could think the best of you.  Rejoice because I chose you as my own, and I am more than you need.”

“Mom, I want to thank you for teaching me the most important thing in the world.  Although you weren’t perfect, you introduced me to the one who is.  And, when I lost my father when I was only three, you reassured me that God had chosen me to have the best father a kid could ever have; God.  I talk to him like He’s my father, we have a great relationship and I want to thank you for telling me the truth.  So mom, its doesn’t matter what those people say about you – you gave the best gift of all and I love you for it.”

There is nothing like perspective from the mouth of God, spoken through the precious voice of your own son, to remind you that God is faithful to bring the light of truth into a dark moment. 

We all have moments where we let our guard down and the dissenting voice becomes all that we can hear.  I am, once again, awed by the timing of God’s special gift He gave me tonight.  Our children really are listening.  God really is honoring our prayers and working on our behalf in their lives.  And, He might even use their voice to speak into our lives as well.

Do you ever find yourself listening to the wrong voice? Do you know what areas continually snag you?   How does God bring you back to His truth?  Care to share any resent experiences?  Comments welcomed.

The great exchange was intensely personal, it was bloody, it cost me everything; it was purposeful and deliberate.  There could be no Isaiah 61 until there was an Isaiah 53.  I just had to do this – for you.

*****

I had friends, but they eventually rejected and abandoned me.  Just like they did you. I could see my peers mock me with whispers they thought I couldn’t hear and it stung my heart but I didn’t hate them. I don’t blame them; there wasn’t anything beautiful about me – nothing that would cause them to stick around when my time of anguish came.  I wasn’t the best dressed guy nor educated at the finest institutes and I certainly wasn’t in any powerful leadership position in this world. I grew up in the poor section of town and was the step kid in a large family. I was born in an out-of-the-way place because we were poor and couldn’t afford anything better, also, because my mother’s dignity was in question. Most of my family turned from me when things got tough. I know the sting of abandonment and rejection and the feeling of being alone to suffer in silence while those I thought loved me looked away and did nothing to help me.  I know you’ve felt this way, too.  We have a lot in common, you and I. It stung my heart just like it stung your heart when you were abandoned and betrayed by those you thought loved you.  Maybe we can be friends; I would like that.

*****

I know what it means to suffer injustice at the hands of cruel accusers.  I was brought before crowds of people who misunderstood my intentions and elected to seal my fate of death because of fear. I was falsely accused, but I didn’t fight them; I kept silent and let them have their fun at my expense. I kept silent because I knew you would be made to keep silent when you suffered at the hands of injustice and abuse so severe that you wanted to die.  I know what it feels like for my heart to suffer pain so deep that I felt I could not go on - yet it continued for me, just like it did for you.  I know you understand this life of sorrow, you’ve been there, too.  I knew you would one day need me to understand you – so I remained.

*****

In my worst moment, when they pierced my head with thorns that stung like razors and pierced my side with a spear that took my breath away, I cried out for help. I needed someone to save me or care about the pain I was in - no one heard me; not even my Father.  It hurt me that my Father looked the other way while a grave injustice was committed against me; I was His son – yet He kept silent and turned His face from me.  I knew you would live through this too – so I stayed there – crying in silence with you.  I know the sting of being left to die like a piece of disposable humanity with no purpose or value.  I felt each nail hit my hands and feet and felt every fiber of my flesh shake with excruciating pain while people watched, laughing at the fate that had befallen me; most of them felt I deserved it. I was completely vulnerable, naked in front of everyone just like you were when you were ravaged by people who used you for their own pleasure.  I hung there thinking about you in your hour of torment, knowing it would mean something to you that I went before you in the same way.  Knowing that you would need me to understand you in ways that no one else could.  I carry my scars so that I can understand yours. I was thinking about you even then.

*****

There was no question in mind that my Father had turned His back on me.  He could have changed things around; it could have been different, but it wasn’t. I needed Him; I called to Him.  But instead of saving me, He left me to die pinned by metal stakes on two pieces of wood stuck in the ground in front of mocking crowds that would only be satisfied when I failed and took my last breath. I know the pain of being rejected by my Father. In your hour of need you felt abandoned by my Father, too, and this realization was more than you could bear. It was like hot wax being slowly dripped on an already scalded heart. I saw you give in and die - just like I did.  I understand you more than you know.

*****

Now listen to me, child.  I knew the suffering I would endure, and chose it nonetheless. I was hurt so that you would be able to come to me with your pain and know that I understood.  I was despised and rejected by family, friends and peers so that you could come to me when everyone turned from you, hated you, rejected or abused you in ways that I never intended, and would know that I understood. My body was abused so that when yours was, too, you would know that I could relate to your shame and weep with you as you struggled to make sense of it.  I was scourged so that I would know, like you, what its like to be beaten down by broken dreams, addictions, failed relationships or the loss of a child. I have suffered everything you have suffered but I had to remain stable, I had to endure it – I couldn’t quit.  I had a precious child to save and although you don’t fully understand your destiny, I was very clear about mine.  My destiny was intentional and I had to overcome to pave the way for you to overcome, too.  I was always thinking about you.

*****

I knew you would go through what you did. I went that route before you, and you unfortunately had to walk in some of the same footsteps that I did.  Because of the pain and destruction I knew you would have to endure, that is exactly why my life was as it was.  I knew you would need me to walk you through the hard times and ultimately help you walk your way to freedom. I made a decision to use my life in such a way that you would have an exchanged one. 

*****

I died that day, in much the same way that you died long ago, too. But that isn’t the end of the story for me, or for you either. I came back for you! I now live so that I can break death’s grip off your life and bring freedom to every area that has held you captive.  Because I endured shame, I can replace yours with honor and dignity.  Yes, even in those places devoured by abuse at the hands of others – even those of your own making. Because I was beaten and broken; I can restore wholeness to your heart and healing to your mind and body with one touch of my scar stained healing hands, filling you with a joy and peace you’ve never known before. I was rejected so that you no longer have to live in the dark shadows of loneliness, afraid to engage in a world filled with people who were once your enemy. You will now rise up and love my children with a heart overflowing with grace and mercy.  I will open the doors to the prison that has raped your sense of worth and value, and give you my identity. I will clothe you with a purpose and destiny more beautiful than you thought possible.  I will restore the devastation that has been common in your family for generations and give you a new name of my choosing.  They will no longer call you deserted, or name you desolate. You will now be a crown of splendor in my hands. I will call you, “my delight is in her, my bride in whom I am well pleased.” Your life with be a sweet fragrance of my love and a trophy of my grace.  Your children will rise up from their slumber and love me; great will be their peace. Finally, I will show you who I am in a new way and restore your heart to love me again. I will give you a relationship with me that you have sought from others most of your life – and this time, you will find that I am more than enough. I will give you back everything that was stolen from you because you are mine. And, I will take all the broken places and create a new story of redemption in your life that you will now be able to give as a gift to my children. I chose to walk the broken road that I might make your crooked paths straight; I did it on purpose – I did it because I love you. I defeated death for you. Now walk out of your grave-clothes and stand on the freedom I died to give you!  I died of a broken heart so that you don’t have to. I am the great exchange!

“Come on Lesa, you can make it – one more mile,” Anna said.

” No I can’t – I wanna die right here by the naked statues.”

“If you die here, they might bronze you naked, too – and none of us want that.”

“witch.”

That visual caused me to kick my saturday morning run in to high gear and get away from Music Row – FAST!

You gotta love creative motivation!

So, this is how I’ve spent my saturday mornings since the middle of January.  Training for the Music City Marathon with a group of twenty-year-old college students led by our trainer Anna Cleland (www.annaerobic.com) .  Wait, before you groan and say, “oh – she’s a health nut; this isn’t for me,” let me confess that I have 35 pounds to lose. (can’t believe I just put this in print)  Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined doing this challenge. I’m the weakest link in the group.  But I’m there.

While reading Jentezen Franklin’s book FASTING in early January,  one line slapped me right across the heart, “God wants to use you but you’ve sold your birthright for a bowl of soup, (reference to Essau) you need to get healthy to do what He’s called you to do.”  “Don’t you know your body is the temple of God?”

When God speaks; I listen. Ok – so I signed up for Weight Watchers (www.weightwatchers.com) and the 13.1 mile death march, to be held in late April, for two reasons:

1) I need to shed said pounds and honor God’s temple.

2) If I’m going to suffer, I might as well couple it with a passionate cause.  I’m raising money for Mercy Ministries here in Nashville.  www.mercyministries.com  You can go to my support page and donate if you like. I’m sure the girls at Mercy would thank you in person if they could.

So, what does this have to do with Ken Davis?  I’m glad you asked!

While on the RE:CREATE Cruise and Conference, hosted by Randy and Chris Elrod, (www.randyelrod.com) Christian Comedian Ken Davis (www.kendavis.com) spoke about living FULLY ALIVE.  Through a told story about his young granddaughter, who went missing in the mountains of Colorado at 9,000 feet, he shared a raw and personal message about taking back the life he was given; it was his wake-up call from God.  He flashed a picture across the screen of a very large man and a very small child beside him, and then told how he’d lost forty pounds through a new life of health and fitness.  He wanted to stay around for a while.  He wanted to be there for her. Now he was sharing his story to offer hope to others and encourage them to take back their lives and health.  To live Fully Alive!

I wanted to pull Ken aside and tell him how much he blessed me with his story, and why.  But I didn’t. It’s not easy talking about a weakness with a complete stranger.  It’s not easy sharing embarrassment about weight problems with anyone.

While on a day in Jamaica, while climbing a waterfall, I had the opportunity to tell him about my recent decision to run this marathon and how I’d already lost thirty pounds.  I had to blink back tears when he high-fived me and told me he was very proud of me.  I don’t know what I was expecting him to say but his response caught me off guard.  His reponse taught me an important lesson about shared struggles.  People don’t care what you know, until they know you care.  He cared.  Instead of embarrassment, I felt encouraged – and proud.  God used this man and his story to encourage me onward.  Thanks Ken!

Take one step today.  Even if it’s a small one. I promise you that you will be happy that you did.  Two weeks ago I completed ten miles with my group.  When I crossed that final quarter-mile headed towards Centennial Park and the finish line,  God gave me a wonderful surprise.  I looked up and saw my daughter, Lauren, running towards me with wild fist pumps and a smile on her face. It was her first time to come out and support me. I also saw some of my group standing off in the distance.  They finished an hour before I did. They had stayed to cheer me on.

Even in our weakness we can still inspire others to hope.  By our actions and determination to make change – we can affect those around us and call them into something outside themselves. I hope to affect a new generation in my family.  I want my children to see that they can do anything if they have the courage to try.  I also want them to know that when they fail, and they will, that God can and WILL  bring radical restoration to any area of their lives. One step at a time.

Yep.  It’s worth it.

You can see God at work everywhere If you have your eyes open.  He just might surprise you with an unexpected opportunity.  This time I was paying attention.

I met Michel and Lely on the first day of the cruise while sitting in the sinner’s corner on deck 11 – the smoking section. I was looking for an out-of-the-way place to people watch when they asked to sit down and then introduced themselves. Through his broken english and my broken spanish, I found out he had escaped Cuba years earlier leaving his family behind.  I saw his eyes glass over with tears as he struggled to tell me his story. I could tell that it was still a sore spot for him.  His fiancée, who he met in Miami, quickly became our translator. She told me that he was finally able to bring his mother to the USA but within months she had died of cancer leaving him heartbroken.  His father was still in Cuba and they had very little contact with him.  We had something in common.  Pain. Loss.

I shared with them that I was on this cruise to attend the RE:CREATE Conference because I was writing a book and had the opportunity to learn from some of the best writers and publishers in the world. And, that I had a meeting the next day to have my book proposal reviewed by an editor. They were genuinely excited for me and wished me well.

The next morning I found them in the same spot on deck 11 only this time with cocktails in hand – a lot of them.  They asked me how my meeting went and I told them it was scheduled around lunch time.  Later that afternoon they passed by me again and he came at me with arms open wide for a big hug and asked if the meeting went well. They had obviously been drinking the entire day but I didn’t care. I had once been in their shoes and had no desire to judge them.  I was, however, intrigued by his interest in what was going on with me. 

It’s rare that you find someone who shows that much interest in you without some sort of personal connection. I didn’t discover what it was until a few days later.  Meanwhile, we kept running into each other several times a day. I was always greeted with warm hugs and more questions about the what I was learning in the conference.  Several times he would refer to me as his new friend and complimented me about my laughter and humor.  I sat and listened to him talk about Cuba and how much he missed his homeland and family. As the cruise ship traveled up the coast of Cuba, he got particularly quiet – only occasionally making comments. I left him alone with the thoughts and memories that broke the language barrier and betrayed his privacy with the flashes of emotion on his face.  His girlfriend did her best to keep up with the translation so he could tell me his story. I could barely understand a word he said but I liked him. I liked both of them. Connection isn’t always about words.

I got off the boat in Cayman Islands excited about my scuba diving trip that was planned that day.  When I finished, I found the nearest bar area where I could order some food and dry off before returning to the boat.  I looked up and they were coming towards me with smiles on their faces.  They greeting me again with warm hugs and even asked if they could get a picture with me as a remembrance of our meeting.  It felt like long-lost family that had come to visit.  They were a precious couple who, for some unknown reason, really liked me.  I don’t say this because I’m unlikable but because something more personal was happening and before long I would learn what it was. They joined me for lunch and we shared stories about our day in the Cayman Islands. 

He slammed down about four drinks within the first hour and then began to tell me he was a writer, too.  There it is. He wrote poems about his family and love and God.  God?  “Ok, Lord, what is going on here? Do you want me to say something to them about you?”  I asked him what his last poem was about and this is what I heard through her translation:

“Lesa, I wrote about looking in a mirror and not being able to find my identity anymore.  It was lost.  I was lost. And, I didn’t know where to find it. I didn’t know where it went or who had it – but I wanted it back. I needed it back.”

Talk about a set-up!  I looked at her and told her to hang on, she was going to need mad translation skills to keep up with me because I had a lot to say to him.  I took a deep breath and told him my story of loss, death and losing my identity at the hands of many abusers. I told him about how captive I was and how at one time in my life I wanted to die because of the pain I was forced to endure.  I wanted him to know that I understood him. I looked him right in the eyes and watched tears run down his face. He didn’t try to hide it, he just let them fall.  I loved this guy’s raw intensity and ability to show emotion to a complete stranger.  I then told him how, when I was at my lowest point, Jesus gave me an opportunity to have my identity restored through the gift of salvation.  By this time, the translator was almost useless because she was bawling, too.

She shared that she had recently been invited to her sister’s charismatic church in Miami and had thought about going for prayer and becoming a Christian but she was scared.  He then told me that he was religious and said prayers to God every morning, thanking him for each day and for the blessings in his life.  I asked him them if they KNEW Jesus in a personal way.  The puzzled look on both of their faces answered my question.  So, I began sharing my personal relationship with Jesus with.  I told them how He talks to me, guides me and fulfills me in my heart like nothing else in this world.  And believe me, I had tried it all before surrendering to Him and finding the most precious gift of all.  The God that is more than enough.  I used the analogy of their relationship to explain the intimacy that Jesus wanted with each of them.  I explained that their relationship would be limited if they only said, “good morning, thank you for the blessings you bring to my life” and then never spoke or involved themselves with each other in any other personal way.  This is how they were treating jesus.  I explained that I had a much more encompassing relationship with Him.  That He wants to be intimate with them and involved in their lives on a daily basis like what I had.  I told them that He wanted to do the same for each of them but they would have to make the decision about God’s invitation for themselves.  They were both wide-eyed and alert, soaking up each word that I said.  I saw God’s heart reaching out for them with the love of a tender-hearted father.

I sat right there, on a bar stool in Cayman Islands, dripping wet, munching on calamari and jerk chicken and led them both to Christ with the sinner’s prayer.  And then the crazy fool wanted to take my picture again! ha!

After that, every time I saw them on the ship, they gave me a thumbs up and told me how much they loved me and that I was their new friend. When I got home I had an email waiting for me from both of them (and those crazy pictures were attached).  As I read their words of gratitude, I had fresh tears wash over me as I realized that God doesn’t waste one painful story of our lives if we are willing to share it. Brokenness in our own lives makes us much more sensitive to our father’s heart – and even more sensitive to the broken hearts of others.

“how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”

Randy – two people will live in eternity with Christ because of the Conference you created.  I think Jesus is smiling.

Every human being desires to have purpose and meaning in their life.  Sadly, we often spend years pouring our lives into meaningless tasks that provide monetary support, yet are only a shadow of God’s intended purpose.  Somewhere along this journey we lose the ability to hear our heart’s cry. Those dreams that once fed our soul with passion fade to the background and leave a dull ache that, thankfully, never goes away.  True satisfaction loses its luster as we become mesmerized by the daily routine of mediocre living.

I believe there comes a time when God awakens our spirit with whispers to come forth into a new journey with Him.  For those, like myself, who are willing to step out and take the Father’s hand and walk into the dangerous unknown, we will once again discover our passion, our purpose, and intended destiny.  This is what happened to me over the last few months and was confirmed during my 5 day adventure on the beautiful waters of the Caribbean.

When God wants to get your attention, He can get pretty creative! (Pun intended)  He invited me to attend the Re:Create Cruise Conference with people I had never met before.  No cell phones, no emails, no facebook, no news of current events.  Just endless miles of blue waters, a boat, pen, paper and thousands of people.  For an introvert, like myself, this could be pretty scary.  And, with the amazing line-up of guest speakers, who I knew very little about, I was intimidated in a way that was foreign to me.  I’ve always been an avid reader but I knew nothing about the literary world. I was completely stripped of anything familiar that I felt would put me on a level playing field. What was God going to do?  What was He trying to tell me? Am I going in the right direction with this book project?

I met our hosts, Randy and Chris Elrod < www.randyelrod.com > the first night at our welcome meeting.  Instantly I felt calm and peaceful.  Randy’s humble heart took me by surprise.  Being in the Sales/Marketing and Business Development arena for many years, I’ve met my fair share of arrogant leaders who immediately oozed ‘agenda’.  There was none of this.  I was fascinated with his stories and sincere desire to connect with people on a personal, intimate level.  This was beautiful to me. These type of people are my type of people.  Unfortunately, I’ve not met many folks like this in my life.  Even as an outsider I felt instantly welcomed.  I hung on every word of wisdom that poured from his lips. I got to talk to Chris briefly on our journey to Jamaica and shared a small piece of my story with her. She is one of the people who I wish I had more time with. I knew instantly that I wanted to learn from her tender heart of wisdom.  What an amazing lady with a beautiful smile that lights up the room!

Our first speaker was Mike Hyatt (CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers) (www.michaelhyatt.com) who launched our cruise with a candid talk about his personal experience trying to get a book published.  I was sitting on the edge of my seat as I listened to this successful man in the publishing world detail his own struggles, doubts, fears and almost failure in a field that he’d been apart for many years.  I listened as he talked about the discipline that was required to write a book and the many twists and turns that would become normal on this new journey.  I felt like God was giving me a warning of things to come and through his stories, I was comforted by the fact that others had blazed this trail before me and had been successful.  What resonated the strongest was his exhortation to never quit.  He spoke about those we will encounter who don’t get us or our message, who will criticize and discourage us on our path and even those who will try to stop our efforts of creativity.  I’ve had a lifetime of these same experiences to overcome so this was a familiar story.  It was also a strong reminder from God to use the same focus on this new journey as what He taught me over the years while walking my path to freedom.   I’m strong-willed and hard-headed.  Those two enemies of the past will now be friends used to push me forward.

I will never forget the conversation I had with Mike on the 4th day of this trip.  I had asked him a question about marketing my book which had similarities to several other beloved authors.  I was concerned that I might be telling a story that had already been told.  He explained that there was 32 plots that millions of books had been written about – really only one plot that all others were derived from and that was Jesus’ story of redemption.  He encouraged me that my story would be told in my own voice, with my own stories and one that no one else can tell but me.  So it really didn’t matter than someone else had something similar. He then spoke words to me that I will always hold dear because I know they came from the heart of God. “Lesa, when your passion intersects a need – you will find your purpose.”  These were the same words that Randy Elrod had spoken not 15 minutes prior while giving his amazing talk on empaths. A complete fresh idea about personality styles that I had never heard before. These two men double teamed me and had no idea what God was doing through them.  A double confirmation to me that God wanted me to tell a story that I had dreamed of telling for almost twenty years.  I sit here with tears in my eyes because I have waited so long for God to bring something redemptive out of the horror story that I have lived. This is the time.  God is saying “NOW!  Do it – step into your purpose and be a voice to those brokenhearted people who are living far less that what God intended. Tell them the truth, tell them I love them and can heal them.  Tell them they believe lies about me – show them how I can tear down those lies and speak truth to their hearts and restore their broken lives!”  Yes, yes, yes, yes, Lord!  I will.

God has taken me down a very long journey from brokenness to healing.  I won’t lie, there were many years along this path that I was completely devastated and gave up.  There were many years spent angry with a God who I thought allowed me to experience complete destruction while He looked on doing nothing to help me.  On more occasions that I care to admit, I’ve felt like Jesus did on the cross when he screamed, “Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?”  I was a broken woman for so many years, and although I knew God’s word and saw the promises clearly written on the pages of my Bible, my life looked nothing like that.  I began to internalize a rejection from God Himself.  I had no idea that I was believing lies that would bind.

So, on this 4th day of the cruise, I heard God’s release.  Its time to tell this story.  Although I’m not yet confident in my writing style, and feel more insecure now than with anything I’ve ever done, I’m going to bust through this haze of fear and plant both feet on the shoulders of the one who is more than able to carry me to completion, and go for it!!!  If God can bring me back from a living death, He is more than able to help me articulate the journey of a restored love story between He and I.

The next speaker caused my jaw to drop.  Pete Wilson, pastor of Crosspoint Church in Nashville, www.crosspoint.tv/nashville        told a story about the one Bible Character that I most identified with – Joseph.  He talked about how we often times look at God’s actions (or in action) in our life and as a result, make a decision about His identity.  He was preaching about my book premise right before my eyes!  My editor, Alice Sullivan (who knew every word of my book proposal and story) and I looked at each other with shock!  Uh oh – God was speaking again!  I instantly saw a word picture that will help me articulate my book premise even stronger.  Let me explain. When I was young and first dating, I would believe everything a guy would tell me.  When he said, “I love you”, and then hit me or abused me in some other way, I obviously had conflicting messages.  Eventually, I would believe nothing he said and look only at his actions for confirmation about his heart’s intent.  When destructive abuse and betrayal became a common place in my life, I began to do the same thing to God. I no longer believed what His word said, I began watching His actions and more importantly, inaction.  This is a lie that had me snagged for many years. (have to read the book to find out more)

I will forever be indebted to Pete Wilson for not only confirming, once again, that writing this book IS God’s purpose for me, but for causing me to reflect and contemplate a fresh angle to my story. I was just astounded that God was speaking directly to me through every single speaker on this trip.  Even more, he was bringing people along side me to speak into my life on a personal level.  Every single one of them encouraged me to move forward with this book.  There were several people on this trip that I really wanted to sit down and talk with in more depth. Not so much because of what they could do for me, but because I had a genuine interest in their life and wisdom.  But, because I wanted to respect the fact that they were on vacation and honor their time to relax, I didn’t pursue it with as much tenacity as would be my normal nature.  I was just allowing God to speak to me in whatever way He wanted.

Ken Davis!  (www.kendavis.com) All I can say is WOW!  He kept me laughing the entire trip. I could hug his neck again for being so precious and easy to talk to. His speech hit home in more ways that he will ever realize.  God was speaking again!!!  He exhorted us to Live Fully Alive!  How did he know that for 25 years of my life I was a walking dead person?  How did he know that 7 years ago God walked me through a healing process over a 4 year period of time that opened the prison doors in my life?  There was no way for him to know that every morning I wake up and spend several hours with God – face down on the floor weeping with thankfulness to my precious Father who set my heart free to live again?  Ok – I’m crying again just thinking about how much God has done in my life and how unbelievable He is.  When God set me free to live again, I was like a small child learning new experiences for the first time. It was awkward at first.  Not knowing how to love and trust people in intimate relationships was collateral damage from years of abuse that took time to overcome.  My wonderful church (www.oasischurch.tv) has been a new family that God has used to restore the gift of relationship, love and a sense of belonging.  I will forever thank my pastors, Danny and Jillian Chambers, Adonis and Heather Lenzy, and many others for being wonderful mentors who have spoken truth into my life.  In the past, I had always felt tolerated – but never celebrated.  This changed at the Oasis. Ken Davis was singing my song and I could hardly contain the joy in my heart as I heard him speak.  Another confirmation from God!

Over the week, I had numerous opportunities to speak with Ken and his precious wife Diane – who took the time to hear my story and speak encouragement to me. I can’t believe Ken took a few minutes of his time and came up to me – gave me a big hug and kiss and told me, ” you are so precious, I just love you.”  What a beautiful gift from a big-hearted man of God.  Diane was equally amazing.  She made me feel so comfortable as I shared some of my story with her over breakfast one day.  We were rushed to get to our meeting but she waved me on to continue, not seeming to care about anything other than what I was saying.  For a person who was so used to being ignored in life, this was God’s way of saying to me, “you are IMPORTANT to ME and your story is worth listening to.”  I will forever appreciate Diane for taking the time to validate me the way she did. I feel like I have met new friends.

Gina!  Randy’s assistant was a precious new friend that I met while on the cruise.  She was so full of encouragement. She stopped and talked to me on several occasions for no other reason than to just let me know that she thought I should tell my story.  That it was important to tell.  I remember sitting near her at the wine tasting that Randy hosted (which was amazing by the way) on our last night of the trip.  She leaned towards me and put her hands on my face and looked me right in the eyes and said, “you are beautiful, I just want you to know that.  You have a story similar to mine and God has done an amazing work in you and you need to tell this story.”  She pierced my heart so deep that I had to blink back tears for fear of turning into a puddle right then and there.  I turned my head back to the speaker right when Randy was talking about beauty, rarity and the value of an aged wine. I couldn’t help but draw the symbolism between a 46-year-old woman whose life now resonates with the beauty, presence and character of God flowing freely as intended. Randy had no idea how God was using his words about wine to paint a beautiful picture to me.  Another confirmation.

Climbing the Falls in Jamaica was an unexpected treasure I will never forget.  I won’t go into the outrageous laughter we all had at the expense of Ken Davis and Alice Sullivan but the word ’stripper pole’ has new meaning for me!  I won’t mention the Jamaican that tried to ferry me some local herb on his sea-do or the booty song that caused mature christians to howl like children.  I also won’t go into the lingering mid-air break dance scene that Ken gifted us all with. ( I still bust out laughing when I visualize this) Nope, what happens in Jamaica stays in Jamaica!!! But, what I will talk about is the wonderful opportunity that I had to enjoy a day climbing a 900 foot waterfall under a canopy of jungle vines and tropical flowers.  Thank God I’ve been training for the Music City Marathon or this adventure would have been a disaster.  Climbing over jagged rocks covered in algae while rushing water came out you from all sides was a recipe for a busted butt.  If this would have occurred in the USA, they would have made you sign a waiver of release of responsibility.  The only thing they wanted you to sign for was the $40 video of you hauling your rear-end up this waterfall while shouting ”don’t worry – no problem mon.” 

There was a guy on this trip who mentioned a beautiful analogy on his blog site, so I won’t repeat what he wrote but I had similar thoughts myself.  On several occasions, when the journey got rough, I saw a hand-held out for me from Mike, Ken, Gail, Bill and Alice. I watched their every step and made sure I was following in their footprints.  I also noticed after a while that each person would turn to the person behind them and give directions and warnings about where to step and how to climb.  I felt like this was how life was supposed to be when operating in the community God has given us.  It was a beautiful analogy of how to climb life with the help of people.  The words ‘intimate community’ resounded loudly the entire trip. For a person who spent many years secluded behind four walls in an attempt to avoid people and escape life, I was now hearing God’s voice calling me to engage again. I won’t soon forget this experiential picture that God gave me.

I had spent several months working on my book proposal in order to have it ready for cruise time.  I was graciously picked to have my book proposal read by Alice Sullivan, (www.alicesullivan.com) an amazing editor who breaks the stereotypical mold of the editor with a blood-red hatchet, waiting to tear your work apart.  She is gracious, intelligent and very gifted.  When she doesn’t agree with something you’ve written, she will let you know in a way that doesn’t destroy you or reject your writing. Sidenote: If you don’t know what you are doing, get a good editor to help you along the way.  Alice is one of the best! We have known each other for several years through our church and about six months ago I looked at her and told her that we would work together one day.  God had been pressing me to start this writing project almost a year ago but I was uncertain if it was, in fact, Him speaking to me or just another one of my ‘good ideas’.  Last fall I saw Mike Hyatt’s post about the Re:Create Cruise and as I read it I had an excitement build inside me, but I didn’t sign up immediately.  For months afterward, every few days I would see signs that would encourage me to write my story.  My pastor preached on it, songs I listened to would sing it, friends I know would shout it and my children would use my own words against me and say, “mom, do what you LOVE – just go for it!!!”  My church had a corporate fast in January of this year.  My main focus during this time was for God to speak to me about my purpose.  I have a huge heart and desire to speak, teach and minister to brokenhearted people and proclaim to them the miracle that God did in my life.  Although I teach classes at my church, and volunteer with ministries targeting those severely devastated by life, I wasn’t sure how God wanted me to proceed.  During the fast I got online after a particularly intense prayer time and saw the post again for the Re:Create Cruise.  I signed up.

Two weeks later I get an email from Mike Hyatt informing me that I had won a spot to have a book proposal reviewed by …Alice Sullivan.  What?  God is FUNNY!  This was great news except for one thing.  What was a book proposal?  I immediately started reading everything I could get my hands on from Mike Hyatt’s blog in an attempt to take a crash course in the literary world.  I called Alice and hired her services right then and there.  Thank GOD I did that!  That was the best investment I could have ever made.  Not long after that I got another email from Mike giving me his e-book on “How to write an award-winning non-fiction book proposal.”  Thank you God and thank you Mike!  We (Alice, God and I) went to work immediately.  We had about 8 weeks to get this daunting project done in time for the cruise.  There are no words to describe the intense experience I went through putting this together.  I had to go back into old files and dig up memories that I would have rather kept under the blood.  I was afraid it would trigger deep emotion and cause me grief.  I’ve you’ve ever been severely wounded, you know that going back to smell the ruins is NOT something you want any part of.  But, God gave me a beautiful surprise during the process.  Except for one day while reviewing some old documents, the entire time I wrote and remembered painful life experiences, I never once shed a tear or felt any pain.  Actually, on that one tough day the only feeling had been a deep sadness and pity for the person who betrayed me so badly.  This was a strange feeling.  In the past, the feeling would have been nothing but rage.  It was gone. This was a test I didn’t know I was taking.  God had truly healed me.  Yeah, I’m crying again - it’s ok - you would be, too, if you had been freed from hell like I have!  I had a quick reminder about something God said to me years prior while walking my journey to freedom. “Lesa, one day you will look back and remember the pain but the feelings will be gone.  And, Lesa, you will come out of the fire and not even smell like smoke.”  He was right. Again.

Literally 6 hours before we boarded the plane for Miami, Alice and I finished the last round of edits for my book proposal.  Goal accomplished.  I was so proud that I had stepped into the unknown and was willing to dredge up old bones for the purpose of being obedient to God.  I can’t tell you how many hours I bathed this journey with prayer. I asked God many times what to pray about in regards to this trip.  “How or what do I pray for, God?”  “Lesa, pray for the many people who will hear this story and be set free to live the life I died to give them.”   That was enough for me.  And, I did and do pray for them daily.

When it came my turn to have my proposal reviewed, I was curious as to what Alice would say.  Afterall, we had spent two months talking about this and she knew every single word of it.  When I sat down with her poolside, I was intent on listening and not speaking.  She told me that the proposal was strong, the premise was excellent and the chapter overviews were well written.  She had to help me find my writing style and teach me to use shorter sentences instead of the compound, complex ones I had been using. On this day she said that she really liked the finished sample chapters but after thinking about it she wanted me to expound in a few areas.  She also told me that she wanted me to start working on a teaching book, something I could use as material for the classes I taught at Church. This would solicit feedback that would help in writing the rest of the book.  She said that she really wanted me to just tell my story in the first book and write a second one to use along with it.  She also said that I needed to start building my platform using a website or blog.  Hello blog world, here I am!  And then she said that she wanted me to sit on this project for a few weeks and just let God sort out all of the information in my mind, along with everything I learned on the cruise, and revisit with her then.  She also mentioned that she wanted a publisher in the Non-Fiction Division of  Thomas Nelson to look at it at that time.  Coincidentally, he was on the cruise and was someone I would later speak to briefly. She felt that this book would be published but with whom, she did not know.  I was excited and took her words as coming from God.

During several conversations with different people I was encouraged to speak with one of the publishers on the cruise that worked at Thomas Nelson.  When I spoke with him, the last day of the cruise with very little time left, he was unable to meet with me at that time but asked me to send him my proposal via email when I got home.  Praise GOD!  I can’t wait to hear any wisdom or feedback he has to offer that will help make me a better writer and increase my chances to get my book published.  This was a wild 5 day journey that blew my mind.  God is so big!  My pastor always tells us that when God wants to promote you, he will bring the people along side you to help get you where He wants you to be.  I saw his words in living color this week!  How was I afforded an opportunity to sit and listen to the invaluable wisdom of some of the greatest publishers, authors, speakers and artists in the world? To be able to just enjoy getting to know some really amazing people in a setting that had no pretense or business protocol was an amazing blessing. I still can’t stop thanking God for this time.  Its been two days since I’ve been home and I still can’t sleep because I’m writing down these memories before their impact slips from my recollection.  I want to remember forever the week that God confirmed my purpose on the crystal seas of the Caribbean through the hands of these amazing people.

I went to bed that last night on the ship wondering what would happen next.  I still wished I could have talked to a few more people but resolved that I would do this next year and get to enjoy them again.  I woke up at 5am and went to the deck to sit and watch the sunrise on this final morning.  I walked to the breakfast area and ran into Gail Hyatt who invited me to sit down and tell my story.  I won’t lie, I was nervous because I had very little sleep and was overwhelmed with everything that occurred on the cruise; I wasn’t sure if I could article anything other than my own name!  She was gracious and prodded me along as I finally was able to download my entire story.  Several times I teared up and assumed she thought it was because I was sad retelling such a horrible story. Quite the contrary.  I was tearing up because the life I now live is so unbelievably different. While telling her those details it hit me again how far God had truly brought me. 

What most people don’t know is that I rarely talk about my story with anyone.  I was happy to leave it in the past where it belonged. I didn’t want people judging me because of it and treating me different.  Yes, that has happened on several occasions when I have stepped out to share.  I have been told, “Now Lesa, you need to really be selective who you tell this story to.”  I don’t believe that.  If people are going to judge me based on the past then I don’t need them.  I have seen far too much of this in churches where its obvious that certain folks only want to hang around people who can help them climb the social ladder. If you aren’t successful or are deemed a “somebody” then you aren’t even acknowledged.  Yes, I’m talking about Christians!  I’m sorry – I don’t have time for that nor do I have anything that will help support that agenda.  I saw non of this when around these people.  They encouraged honest communication and welcomed everyone – just like Jesus does.

So, my story has been safe under lock and key. But God was calling me to open up and share it – and with complete strangers no less.  It was a risky move for me but I did it.  I will never forget how Gail took the time to listen to me as I told a very embarrassing story.  Her gracious spirit reflected what I would imagine Jesus being like. She really listened.  Not like some people listen and look over their shoulder to watch passersby or nod at inappropriate times letting you know that their mind was really somewhere else.  She really listened and showed it with great attending skills.  I sincerely appreciate the wisdom and feedback that she gave me and especially her encouragement to move forward and tell this story.  She pointed out 4 things that she felt would help me.  Every single one of them were exactly what Alice said to me on day 2 of the cruise.  God’s confirmation once again!

Most of all, Gail encouraged me to tell my story so others could go second.  I had never heard that term before but I quickly loved it.  When I teach my classes I always start out by sharing parts of my story in hopes that those in attendance will feel free to also share theirs. I think this is what Gail meant.  I go first so someone else can go second. ( I will have to get her permission to use this line in my book because I love it) What a beautiful woman of God who put the exclamation point at the end of an unforgettable experience. I feel like God put me on a little floating piece of heaven and poured into me a gallon of confirmation, encouragement and intimate communication with like-minded people.  This was my last memory, and what a memory it was.

Before the cruise I wasn’t sure this was a God idea, but now I am convinced that it is His will for my life.  I will forever think of each of you fondly and with a most grateful heart.  I must go – I have a story to tell!  God has confirmed my purpose.  What an amazing blessing.

I just returned from a 5 day adventure that changed my life!  Several months ago I felt that God was leading me to write the story of my journey to freedom.  Although I love to write, I had never written a book and knew absolutely nothing about the literary world.  Through many weeks of prayer, I felt that God prompted me to attend the Re:Create Cruise and Conference hosted by Randy Elrod (Author, Speaker and Artist) and featured guest speakers such as Michael Hyatt ( CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishers), Ken Davis (Author and Christian Comedian/Speaker), and Pete Wilson (Author and Pastor of Crosspoint Church). The opportunity itself was amazing even for this novice writer and I was anxious to say the least. Twelve people would win the opportunity to pitch their book proposal ideas to Mike Hyatt and Alice Sullivan ( a professional editor previously with Thomas Nelson).  I was one of the lucky twelve to win the opportunity to have my ideas and writing examined by a professional.  There was only one problem.  I didn’t know how to write a book proposal.  It’s a good think Mike Hyatt thought of that because he offered each of us the chance to also receive his new e-book, “How to Write an Award Winning Non-Fiction Book Proposal.”  We were told to have this proposal finalized by cruise time and in the hands of the editor who would review it.

I’ve spent the last several months, with the help of an editor, crafting my book proposal.  This process has been much like giving birth to a child, complete with all the emotions you would imagine.  excitement, joy, pain, contemplation and even frustration.  Giving birth is no fun, but the joy you have when you finally gaze into the eyes of your beautiful gift is well worth the pain. I have spent so much time combing over past history, pouring my heart and soul into choosing the most appropriate words to articulate my story in such a way that anyone can understand my message. My proposal was finished just hours before boarding a plane to Miami.  I was about to embark on a journey into the unknown on the waters of the Caribbean – I was excited and expectant.  I bathed this time with hours of prayer and stepped out into my destiny.